Hey!

Living your dreams is a lot easier than most people think.

Especially that recurring one about being naked in public.

I lived that one twice today.

So the first part of this filthy voyage brings us to New York City’s Chinatown, the most unsanitary place in all the world.

“Ahhh, we’re late!” I say!

“Ahoy!” he says!

Not really, but he would have if he were a pirate.

OK, here we go. He comes back with a McRIB! Remeber these! For a limited time, McDonalds chopped up rib meat, stuffed it in a mold to look like it had bones in it covered it in what I imagine is cloying sweet sauce and sold it to people, lots of people! So many they took the mold out of retirement and did it again.

It’s disgusting.

Now that I’m older I don’t jog so much as I “flee death”. There’s more of an imperative now than when I was simply working off pints of beer.

On it’s own, death fleeing can be pretty boring. Some people listen to music, I run from door to door pounding, screaming and waking my neighbors at the crack of dawn. Then when they step onto the porch bleary eyed and disheveled, I jump from the bushes shrieking and flailing, “I’m Colleen Shea’s husband! AHHHHH! Colleen Shea! Down the street! AHHHH! The yellow house ! AHHHHH!” Then I run away.

That way I get my workout, annoy my neighbors and embarrass my wife. All before I’ve had my morning coffee!

Really gets the old heart going! Theirs mostly, but you get the idea.

they like fighting

Ok, here is another try.

these are those things fighting that I seem to like.

I’m making some big changes around here.

Here being my brain. I’m not going to try and wish harder, I’m going to wish smarter.

So you guys want to know the secret to THE SECRET™? You know, the get-what-you want dance craze and book that’s sweeping the nation?

Oh my goodness, I’ll tell you! I am so bad at keeping secrets! They should never have told me!

To add clarity and credibility, I’ll say it in math.

Think about stuff you want = get stuff you want.

Pretty nice, right? Simple.

Ok, so here’s how it works:

Think about stuff you want = get stuff you want.

Oh wait, I said that already! See how easy!

Let me give you some concrete, real-life, irrelevant examples.

Last Tuesday I was thinking about how bored I was, and how nice it would be if The Office were on that night. So I start wishing and drinking until I eventually pass out! I was wishing pretty hard! By the time I come to, it’s Thursday! And there it is, the Office! Wishes do come true!

Then I wished I had Thai food and I totally ordered some! Using only my wishes and the phone!

Here’s what I like about The Secret™:

• The Secret is simple and easy

• The Secret likes me

• The Secret wants what I want, my material happiness

• The Secret forgives me

• The Secret is impervious to reason

Look, use common sense and you get a common life. Use the power of your wishing secret and WHAM! Fancy sports car!

Now THE SECRET™ isn’t perfect, it’s just secret. Here are some ways THE SECRET™ has failed me.

• My enemies aren’t as crushed as I would like

• I am not encased in a 10 story tall robotic laser-equipped exoskeleton with optional GPS system (I’m bad with maps, I wish I weren’t)

• I’m bad with maps

Well, I’m not going to get what I want by writing about it, I better get back to wishing for it!

So I’ll see you suckers later, as I’m destroying your city!